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Trinity Fun pageHere's few anecdotes (jokes?) with a religious flavour. If you have any you would like to send us please do - we'll happily put them up on this page (if suitable!) and acknowledge you if you wish. Send them via the visitors book or send them to Alex Robinson (alex(at)robins.plus.com).
Jokes
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 | He talked with his hands |
| He had wine with every meal |
| He used olive oil |
That Jesus was black:
| He called everybody ‘brother’ |
| He liked Gospel music |
| He couldn’t get a fair trial |
That Jesus was Jewish:
| He went into his father’s business |
| He lived at home until he was 33 |
| He was sure his mother was a virgin, and she was sure he was God |
That Jesus was a Californian:
| He didn’t cut his hair |
| He walked around barefoot |
| He started a new religion |
That Jesus was Jamaican:
| His first name was Jesus |
| He was harassed by the authorities |
| He lived on a diet of beans |
That Jesus was Irish:
| He didn’t get married |
| He was always telling stories |
| He loved green pastures |
But perhaps the most compelling evidence is that he was a woman:
| He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice with no food |
| He kept trying to get the message across to men who just didn’ t get it |
| Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do. |
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)
| In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off |
| Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. |
| Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. |
| Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. |
| Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. |
| The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals |
| Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. |
| Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. |
| Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. |
| The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. |
| The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple. |
| The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. |
| Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol |
| The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. |
| David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. |
| Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines |
| When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta |
| When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. |
| Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. |
| St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. |
| Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." |
| It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. |
| The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. |
| The epistles were the wives of the apostles. |
| One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. |
| St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. |
| Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony |
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St.
Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the
cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to
proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these
proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning
the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says,
"Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You
gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher
than a cabby." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are
interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby
drove his taxi, people prayed."
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic? He stayed
awake all night wondering if there was really a dog.
Two Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes
twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend.
Come out and see me again".
Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked".
Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I'm a prawn again, Christian!!!"
The minister complimented his parishoner on his lovely garden. ''You and the Lord have
done a wonderful job with this garden'', he said.
''Yes'' said the old man, ''but you should have seen it when the Lord had it all to
himself''
A man was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he
always was, to shake hands. He grabbed him by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
{You want more, you say?}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a deadringer for his brother."
'An old vicar in Yorkshire would faithfully say evening prayers everyday on his own in the church. When he had finished he would religiously walk to the end of the churchyard, light his pipe and watch the London express pull out of the station. Puzzled by this behaviour his young curate assumed he must like railway engines. One day he struck up a conversation with his vicar on the subject of trains.
"Cannot stand the things" The vicar said.
"Well why do you go down the churchyard every evening, light up your pipe and watch the London express pull out of the station."
"Because it's the only thing that moves in this parish without me pushing it!" '
Courtesy of the Ven. Timothy Raphael.
A comment about how people might best learn about Christian faith.
' A man in his fifties lost his job and was very despondent about his chances of finding another one.
"I know" said a friend. "I have a cousin the Jade business. Very lucrative. I'm sure that he'll willingly teach you all he knows and help you up enter the trade. I'll ask him for you if you like."
So the man's friend went and talked with his cousin in the jade trade and yes he was happy to help. He agreed to see the man for half an hour a week and teach him all he knew. The fee was 25 pounds a session.
The first week, very excited, the man went to the Jade trader. The trader showed him into a room, gave him a piece of green jade and went out. The man sat there for a while fiddling with the jade, looking at it occasionally, waiting for the lesson to begin. After half an hour the trader came back, took the piece of jade off him and asked for twenty five pounds.
Next week, slightly less excited, the man returned to the jade trader. Once again he was shown into a room, given a piece of jade, and left on his own. As he waited the man began to look at the jade. He bounced it and scratched it and bit it and generally did what ever one does to Jade, all the while waiting for the lesson to begin. After half an hour however, the Jade trader returned, took the piece of jade back and asked for 25 pounds.
So this went on, week after week, and not a word was exchanged between the man and the jade trader. In the end, exasperated the man talked with his friend again.
"This training for the Jade trade is a waste of time and money " he declared angrily.
" Your cousin hasn't taught me anything. Far from teaching me everything he knows, he hasn't said a word to me in all the weeks I've been to see him. All he does is leave me with a piece of jade for half an hour and charges me 25 pounds for the privilege. To top it all last week the Jade he gave me wasn't even real!!"
Courtesy of the Ven. Timothy Raphael.
Two nuns were driving along one day when a van pulled across them smartly and 'cut them up'. Sister Mary, the driver, was none too pleased. On reaching the next set of traffic lights they pulled up alongside the van and Sister Margaret saw the opportunity to help Sister Mary. "Now," she said to Sister Mary, "display some Christian forgiveness and show him your cross". Sister Mary promptly leaned out of the window and shouted across "You *!*?**!*. "
A true story from Trinity Church.
We worked hard at teaching our young son to understand right from wrong, and not to blaspheme. However, one morning we were sat in Church and the minister started a prayer with 'Oh God..'. In the dramatic pause which followed a little voice rang round the Church - 'You can't say that - it's naughty'.
A minister was was told by his wife never to open the box under the bed.
Dutifully he never even peeped for 25 years, but on their 25th wedding anniversary he could resist no longer, and he opened it.
To his surprise inside was 1000 UK pounds (about 1500 US dollars), and three eggs.
This confused him greatly, and eventually he had to find out why, so he confessed to his wife what he had done and asked the significance of it.
" Well," she said "every time you preached a boring sermon I put an egg in the box".
This pleased the minister, to think he had only preached 3 boring sermons in 25 years. "But what about the money?" he asked.
"Oh," she said, "when I had a dozen eggs I sold them".
Courtesy of Rev Bernard Arnold
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